Is no one listening to you? Here’s what you could be doing wrong
Let’s discuss our turn-offs for a second. What is the one thing that turns you right off someone? Whether you’re on a date or just hanging with a new friend. What’s that one thing about them that will have you thinking of a million excuses to leave? Be honest, we all do it. I bet you know exactly what it is right now. I know mine. A big ego!
The minute I feel like someone has a big ego or thinks a lot of themselves, I feel my eyes begin to roll and find myself asking for the cheque a little too soon. One of the reasons I feel so strongly about a big ego is because I take it upon myself to make sure that when I communicate, it’s in a humble way. I never want to seem like I think I’m right or that I think what I have to say is more important than what someone else has to say. In order to ensure I’m coming across humbly, I often end my statements with, “does that sound crazy?” or “You know what I mean?”. Or I start my sentences with, “Maybe it’s just me but..” or “I could be wrong but…”. Humble right?
Wrong.
This type of language can actually send a message that you’re not confident in what you’re saying and in today’s world, that just doesn’t fly. People won’t take you seriously. In fact, they’ll eat you right up. If you incorporate some of the above statements into your daily vocab, especially at work, you’ve probably had moments of frustration when people interrupt you or simply don’t take you seriously. This is because…
What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it.
Honestly, I don’t 100% agree with this. I think what you say should be all that matters because so many layers play a role in impacting how you say things (i.e. nerves, how your day has gone, lack of sleep, etc). We’re all human. However, I’ve come to learn that due to the way our human minds capture information, how you say things is 10 times more important than what you say. For example, you could have that one co-worker who launches all of his ideas confidently into every meeting and people leave meetings thinking he’s the smartest thing since sliced bread. Do they disagree with some of his ideas? Probably. But they wouldn’t dare say this out loud because the confidence with which he spoke must mean he knows what he’s talking about and whoever doesn’t understand his ideas must just be slow at grasping them. Clearly we all see the flaw in this system but it’s the system that we all operate in and it’s important for your voice to be heard just as much as his. So let’s talk about how we can make this happen.
Here are three ways to add more impact to your communication style.
1. Start and end with key points. If you’re nervous about presenting a new idea to your boss, think about how you can start it and end it with impact. Starting with impact will give you the confidence to continue and ending with impact will deter you from adding an awkward filler like, “so…”. Entrepreneur.com published an article on how to pitch with impact that I’ve pulled some great tips from for general work conversations. The best one I’ve found is turning your ‘pitch’ (or any idea you’re bringing up in a meeting or with a co-worker/boss) into a story. People love stories. We all grew up on stories. Everyone has an internal fascination with a good story and they’ll always remember the details of a story that impacted them. When pitching an idea, think about it in a scenario and then pitch the scenario to your team rather than just the idea. Once people see an idea put into context as a story, they can visualize it. Visualization is the first step to belief so get your people to visualize your idea so that they can believe in it and back you up.
2. Remove fillers: We have a tendency to add filler words to our sentences that have no purpose in the sentence and in fact take away from the impact. Most of us aren’t even conscious of how many times we do this. How often do you use the word ‘like’ in a sentence without realizing it? It plays no purpose and truthfully, subconsciously, it’s because we either aren’t 100% sure of what we’re saying or we’re trying to downplay our words because we’re not sure how the other person will react. Take out the fillers. Here is a list of filler words and how they actually resonate with your audience.
a. Like: Takes away conviction from your speech
b. Just: Makes you sound apologetic. Ex. “I just wanted to ask…”
c. You Know?: Your audience feels that you’re unsure of your statement
d. Umm…: This one is okay if it’s short and you jump right back into your point quickly. But if it’s long, you begin to lose people and they start looking at the clock.
3. Know that they’re not all smarter than you. Self-doubt can bring the mindset of the best conversationalist down to that of an insecure teenager. When you go into the meeting, know that your idea is great because you’ve thought through all the ways it could work for your organization and you’ve got a plan as to how to deliver on it. Of course, you still may get people not buying into your idea and that’s fine. It’s normal and part of life. All you can control is how you communicate it. The worst feeling is knowing that you have a great idea but didn’t have the confidence to sell it. Think about the co-worker we discussed earlier who was ready to spew all of his ideas out for anyone willing to listen. We can all take a lesson from him. Especially when your ideas are actually good. So go in with confidence. Your ideas are unique so own them before someone else does.
I don’t often advocate the ‘fake it till you make it’ philosophy but I do think there’s something to be said for it when it comes to communication styles. In order to quell nerves, you need to trick yourself into feeling confident until it starts to become part of you. Some of the most powerful people in history had a fear of public speaking. Did you know Gandhi used to have panic attacks before he delivered a speech? Yet, his words have stuck with us decades after he delivered them. Gandhi’s approach was to find something he was passionate about and concentrate on the message. Our fear of public speaking stems from a fear of being judged. The key is to focus on the message and not the people and get lost in your message. Using the above tips and your own self-confidence, you can begin to speak with so much authority that people won’t be able to turn away.
